I was intrigued by the “A Martian Sends A Postcard Home” poem that we read in class. Therefore I wanted to try my hand at it. I have a huge love of riddles and the concept of demfamiliarization feeds to that love. I am going to improv stanzas 1-3 describing books.
Original
Caxtons are mechanical birds with many wings
And some are treasured for their markings-
They cause the eyes to melt
Or the body to shriek without pain.
I have never seen one fly, but
Sometimes they perch on the hand.
Improv
They sit atop tables like a family ready for dinner,
But none have the same last name.
They make raindrops form on cheeks
And the face to contort without pain.
I have never heard one speak, but
they tell stories.
Overall, I think you’ve done a really great job of improving this poem. This first stanza is incredibly creative and I love that you kind of compared reading to food, or a hunger. The last names bit was so freakin’ genius!
ReplyDeleteHowever I think the second stanza on your improv is a little too similar to the original. I know you are supposed to be basing it off the original but the two other stanzas don’t mirror it as much as this one does.
I think the last stanza it was good too but the only thing I would suggest changing is “seen” to “heard” because it makes a bit more sense that way.
"They sit atop tables like a family ready for dinner,
ReplyDeleteBut none have the same last name."
Lovely. I need to do an improv as well, this is a great start. Thanks for the example! :)
I agree Kelsey the second stanza is similiar. I liked the concept of the books evoking emotions but couldn't find a way to say it differently. I would love if someone could help me with it.:)
ReplyDeleteThis is a response to Drika's Improv of A Martian Sends a Postcard Home by Craig Raine. Wow the first stanza was so captivated! It pushed me to want to read the rest of what you wrote. The idea was very ominous and dark, but with a twist of confusion. That was a really great start, but I would recommend not sounding too much like the original in the second stanza. The third stanza was good too, but somehow it sounded like something I have heard before. Also always think about flow and the way that each line or stanza will sound being followed by the next. Overall it was great, thanks for the read!
ReplyDeleteFirst, and foremost: great “improv”! I think you captured the heart of the exercise: quick, fast-paced, jazz-esque improvisational practice.
ReplyDeleteYour piece leaves me wondering, just as a human first reading the Martian's postcard: what is being described? Is the object of reference here an onion? Or, is it some other object that invokes sadness, and brings people to tears? Is my reading too literal?
These are a few questions that stir, but only after the visceral element of the poem, the words on the screen, grip me, almost drawing "raindrops" to my "cheeks". Nevertheless, you can elaborate; perhaps write a few more stanzas, to more succinctly describe the event. To put things finely, keep it up!
In response to Tondrika's Improve one, I love it... I never would have looked at books that way! "They sit atop tables like a family ready for dinner. But none have the same last name." SOO great! Though your second stanza is similar, but you already know that, and knowing you so well, I bet you could do an even better stanza that the Martian one! And the last line is perfect! You can even try explaining a possible voice that is the genre of the book. But so far this looks good, but of course any poem can be better, but you are on the right track!
DeleteEveryone comments on that "but none has the same last name." Do you see that this is not just coincidence? That's the best line in the piece. It's the most unusual. I want you all to begin to see how this is not "anything goes." We knoe powerful writing when we see it, and it has to do with surprise combined with some deeper shock of recognition. We've never heard it described that way, yet we understand on a deeper level the truth in the novelty.
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