This is in response to Brittany’s free
entry the clouds. “The migration of over boiled egg-puss” is definitely a line
that stuck out in my mind. This would be a good place for an enjambment after
of.
The migration of
Over boiled egg-puss.
Putting an enjambment would make the
reader pause on migration for a moment, this pause would add to the surprise
and impact of the next line “over boiled egg-puss”. I enjoy the contrast of
images that the text uses to describe the clouds. Each description takes me to
a different time of day, and a different season. Also the final lines
definitely had the “apple blossom toilet water” effect.
Points of improvement: In the text be
careful of the tone thermometer. For example what would it sound like if line 4
just read as “Chocking the sun of its peach glory”. Also in line 5 consider
taking out the word tears, since it can be implied by the verb crying.
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