This is an improv of “I am 21”. I’m attempting to use verbs and nouns to show my character’s personality.
I placed the Tri Beta mug back in its coffee stained ring on my desk. I can feel the eyes of my roommate drilling into my head.
“It’s hot chocolate.”
I hear her relax, her concern relieved by my lie. Why is she this calm? Its finals week, isn’t it? Oh yeah she’s one of those unworried, underworked, undeclared majors. No direction that’s her issue.
The light from the computer screen is burning my eyes, tears starting to well up in the corners. Tears are secretions that lubricate and cleanse the eyes, if only they could cleanse the soul too.
My cups empty again, coffee or chocolate. I instantly reach for the coffee packet then freeze when I feel the drills firing up again. I’ll actually make chocolate this time.
The Tri Beta mug is a nice detail right off the bat. What sound does she make that the character can hear her relax? I can hear someone talking about undeclared students that way, but I think some details about what they wear - maybe they always wear sweats to class, carry coffee mugs - I don't pay that much attention though. "Tears are secretions that lubricate and cleanse the eyes, ..." is a really latinate line, which might be what you're going for there. But the "cleanse the soul" part felt a little cliched to me.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great start Drika! I like that you used the specificity of the "Tri Beta mug." Also I think the line "Tears are secretions that lubricate and cleanse the eyes" works in the piece. While David is right that it is heavily latinate, it is like the character is showing off her 'advanced' vocabulary. She couldn't just say, "Tears keep my eyes from drying up," because it might make her sound uneducated.
ReplyDeleteLike David said, how can she hear her roommate relax? Is it a sigh? Maybe a creaking of the chair she's sitting in?
I think some of this piece could use some more specificity as well, like the coffee packet. Is it dark roast? Medium roast? House blend? Some fancy brand or a cheap one because she's a college student?
Hi Drika,
ReplyDeleteI just have one thing to add, and you can roll your eyes at me when you are reading this if you want ;) In the beginning she sets the "hot chocolate" down and its full, and then it just becomes empty. Maybe you can work in a sip or two between sentences? How she drinks the hot chocolate might be a good opportunity to show personality as well. Does she hold the mug with two hands? Do her hands shake as she drinks? Is she the kind of person who brings the mug to her, or does she bend down to drink, like she's drinking form a water fountain?
Oh, and the fist verb "set" is a great place to show personality and I think you could strengthen that verb too. Does she carefully set it? Slam it? Slide it?
I did want to point out a part I liked, the line "she’s one of those unworried, underworked, undeclared majors" I think the sarcastic tone shows the character's personality and the repetition is well-designed, the words are well-chosen.
:)